三年前,我的外婆過世。
Emily是我一個從小給外婆帶大的表妹,出生在美國、在台灣的時間不多,我們見面的機會也很少
成長過程中陸續聽過她的消息,叛逆、憂鬱症、後來信主了。
最奇妙的是,我們差不多同時間發病、同時間信主,分別在加州及台北
外婆的告別式上,我們見面了,沒有多聊。
那天的她好慘,全身發抖、哭到幾乎暈倒、對家人發怒....
我知道,那不是一個可以跟她談心的好時機,當時的她需要的也不是我們言語上的安慰。她需要的是時間及空間
兩個月前她結婚了、回台補請宴客,她的丈夫正在念神學院、未來會是一個牧師
婚禮上我們仍然沒什麼機會說到話,然後她又回美國了
於是,幾個禮拜前我寫了一封email給她,我知道她是我身邊目前為止最能了解我心情的人

以下節錄了我們的對話


hi,

婚禮上一直沒什麼機會跟你講到話,想跟你說,很替你開心喔!在妳身上看到上帝一路以來帶領的痕跡,很感恩!
最近這幾個月我常常想到你。應該說從我知道你信主的過程以來,我就發現我們成長的背景某些部分其實很類似、而上帝拯救及醫治的過程也很類似。

去年四月,我阿媽跌倒昏迷,之後健康狀況就一直很差、而且愈來愈差,準確來說,我應該已經快要失去她了。這一年來,我崩潰了,身體跟心理不斷有狀況,我才發現自己原來不能承受跟面對將要失去她的事實。然後,我就常常想到幾年前在婆婆的告別式上看到妳的樣子,那時我看著你,很心疼、但不知能跟你說什麼;如今,我彷彿從當時的你身上看到現在的我的影子,只是我覺得你比我勇敢多了。

即將失去阿媽這件事幾乎奪走我所有的勇敢、甚至讓我失去活下去的意義,我好像變成一個我不認識的自己,我所有失控的行為也讓我自己害怕!最近我把工作辭掉了,因為我發現自己真的沒有一點點力量去工作、或為自己去做些什麼。最近我有加入教會裡的一個支持團體,很感恩,因為至少在團體裡我還能夠很敞開地說些內心的事,其他成員不一定能理解或體會我的感受,但光能說出來,就讓我多少得到一些力量,這真的是上帝的恩典!

其實我知道這幾年我們沒什麼聯絡、並不算特別親近,跟你講這些不知對你而言會不會太重,我不想你聽了這些心裡有什麼負擔,我想我只是想找個人分享一下我自己的心情,特別是阿媽的事,我幾乎沒有辦法跟家人聊,因為他們不能理解我為什麼會這麼難過。從你在婆婆告別式上的痛哭、到你在婚禮上的幸福,我發現自己好像走在你的後面、可以稍稍預見一點點上帝帶領的線索、明白祂的恩典總是足夠安慰每顆受傷的心、我自己也似乎可以從中得到一點繼續走下去的力量!

所以,若你有想到時,請為我禱告;或者,如果你願意,可以跟我分享一下你當時一路走來的過程。
最後,祝福你在人生的新階段仍持續不斷在恩典中,為上帝而活、被上帝所用;祝福你們家行在神所預定的美好計畫中。當然,也求神開福音的門到我們家裡那些還不信主的家人身上

 

Hi,

I am so happy to get ur email. Thanks for sharing with me. I felt like it helped to know how to pray for u a lot better! Your email came at a good time...It really reminded me how faithful God has been in my life. God is so good!

It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of sadness and fear as your grandmother's physical body is aging... I don't know if she is saved, but God has put her on my heart to continue to intercede for you and HER! 

I lived under the fear of losing my grandmother all my life. I can say it was my worst fear. I know what u mean when you try to explain to other people, it's hard for others to understand.
God sees my pain and fear and God reminds me that he knows exactly the anticipation of pain is like... I am never alone.

When puo puo first passed away, I thought about ending my life so many times. I got so many panic attacks. I didn't think the pain would ever subside or I would ever feel better. I love her so much and it was so painful to lose her so abruptly. It came at the worst timing when I lost my job, my boyfriend, and my other grandmother. It all happened in one month.

But God is so full of grace. It was during that season that I experience such intimacy with Him. I spent hours and hours hiking alone in the mountains with him... just praying and worshiping him... When I was sad, I would cry... and He always comforted my spirit. I was so lost and didn't have a job or anything to do for 6 months.. But everyday, I held onto the God's words. I felt like my whole world was crumbling and only the word of God can sustain me. I remember sometimes, when I begin to doubt God's goodness, I would repeat Psalms 23 over and over again outloud to battle with my doubts of God's goodness. Other times, I had no words to pray other than calling out his name, Jesus Jesus... over and over again...

And truthfully speaking, I miss that kind of intimacy with God right now.. After I am married, things are different because I am trying to learn to walk with God as a team with my husband... But in that painful season, God gave me himself and his divine presence to comfort me...

Another thing that was God's divine grace was that God brought a very godly mentor into my life in that season.. I was never close to my own mother. She is like a spiritual mother to me. She lives in Taiwan, but we would regularly talk on the phone and I submitted myself under her spiritual guidance. She held me accountable in my dating life and often rebuked me if I had the wrong motives or bad attitude towards serving or ministry. Although I lost puo puo, God brought someone else into my life to love and care for me. She was at my Taiwan wedding as well with her husband. They are both pastors in Hsin Chu...

I have been praying for you a lot. God loves you so much and chosen you to be the first to be saved in your family.. knowing that He can trust you with the responsibility of sharing the gospel with your parents, your brother and even your stepmom.

Sometimes, our fears really paralyzes us... I know that my fear of losing puo puo crippled me all my life... It hindered me to love her more freely. I always felt guilty when I was away from her... but when I was with her, I always felt anxious and never really enjoyed the moment with her. There is not one day that I don't miss her and I still cry when I talk about her. But after she passed, I realized that my fears hindered me to really live my life... It hindered my pursuit of God... The last three years, God had given me so many opportunities to live out my dreams, including finishing school and doing things like skydiving.. I learned to play piano and do ballet. I just felt that if I survived my worst fear of losing her, I am no longer scared of much... 

God must know how much your grandmother means to you, that is why he is preparing you emotionally..
He is giving you more time with her, so that you can be prepared when one day God takes her to be with him...

The last thing I wanna share with you is that after puo puo died, heaven became a reality to me. It gave me a deeper longing for heavenly things, instead of earthly things... It often reminded me that earth is my temporary home... my home is not here. Hopefully, in 50 more years, I will be able to spend the rest of eternity with her.. We shall all rejoice with Jesus.

I hope what I shared with you is a little bit of help to you... not to minimize any of your pain.. My experience may even be different than yours, but our common denominator is that we have a heavenly Father who watches over us!
Keep me updated please... Know that my husband and I will be praying for earnestly for you and grandmother. I am praying that God will continue to prepare you for a good godly husband as well! 

Anyways, sorry the email is so long... I can be so long winded sometimes!

Love, Your sister,

Emily


 

阿媽跌倒至今也快要一年了,這一年感覺非常非常漫長
我跟Emily後續仍一直有email往返,不過她的這第一封回信卻是最鼓舞我的
知道有人走過同樣的路、有過同樣的感受、知道有人受感在替自己及阿媽禱告,很感動
這的確是一條出於「信心」及「愛」的路、是「等候」和「盼望」的功課

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