I am so happy to get ur email. Thanks for sharing with me. I felt like it helped to know how to pray for u a lot better! Your email came at a good time...It really reminded me how faithful God has been in my life. God is so good!
It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of sadness and fear as your grandmother's physical body is aging... I don't know if she is saved, but God has put her on my heart to continue to intercede for you and HER!
I lived under the fear of losing my grandmother all my life. I can say it was my worst fear. I know what u mean when you try to explain to other people, it's hard for others to understand.
God sees my pain and fear and God reminds me that he knows exactly the anticipation of pain is like... I am never alone.
When puo puo first passed away, I thought about ending my life so many times. I got so many panic attacks. I didn't think the pain would ever subside or I would ever feel better. I love her so much and it was so painful to lose her so abruptly. It came at the worst timing when I lost my job, my boyfriend, and my other grandmother. It all happened in one month.
But God is so full of grace. It was during that season that I experience such intimacy with Him. I spent hours and hours hiking alone in the mountains with him... just praying and worshiping him... When I was sad, I would cry... and He always comforted my spirit. I was so lost and didn't have a job or anything to do for 6 months.. But everyday, I held onto the God's words. I felt like my whole world was crumbling and only the word of God can sustain me. I remember sometimes, when I begin to doubt God's goodness, I would repeat Psalms 23 over and over again outloud to battle with my doubts of God's goodness. Other times, I had no words to pray other than calling out his name, Jesus Jesus... over and over again...
And truthfully speaking, I miss that kind of intimacy with God right now.. After I am married, things are different because I am trying to learn to walk with God as a team with my husband... But in that painful season, God gave me himself and his divine presence to comfort me...
Another thing that was God's divine grace was that God brought a very godly mentor into my life in that season.. I was never close to my own mother. She is like a spiritual mother to me. She lives in Taiwan, but we would regularly talk on the phone and I submitted myself under her spiritual guidance. She held me accountable in my dating life and often rebuked me if I had the wrong motives or bad attitude towards serving or ministry. Although I lost puo puo, God brought someone else into my life to love and care for me. She was at my Taiwan wedding as well with her husband. They are both pastors in Hsin Chu...
I have been praying for you a lot. God loves you so much and chosen you to be the first to be saved in your family.. knowing that He can trust you with the responsibility of sharing the gospel with your parents, your brother and even your stepmom.
Sometimes, our fears really paralyzes us... I know that my fear of losing puo puo crippled me all my life... It hindered me to love her more freely. I always felt guilty when I was away from her... but when I was with her, I always felt anxious and never really enjoyed the moment with her. There is not one day that I don't miss her and I still cry when I talk about her. But after she passed, I realized that my fears hindered me to really live my life... It hindered my pursuit of God... The last three years, God had given me so many opportunities to live out my dreams, including finishing school and doing things like skydiving.. I learned to play piano and do ballet. I just felt that if I survived my worst fear of losing her, I am no longer scared of much...
God must know how much your grandmother means to you, that is why he is preparing you emotionally..
He is giving you more time with her, so that you can be prepared when one day God takes her to be with him...
The last thing I wanna share with you is that after puo puo died, heaven became a reality to me. It gave me a deeper longing for heavenly things, instead of earthly things... It often reminded me that earth is my temporary home... my home is not here. Hopefully, in 50 more years, I will be able to spend the rest of eternity with her.. We shall all rejoice with Jesus.
I hope what I shared with you is a little bit of help to you... not to minimize any of your pain.. My experience may even be different than yours, but our common denominator is that we have a heavenly Father who watches over us!
Keep me updated please... Know that my husband and I will be praying for earnestly for you and grandmother. I am praying that God will continue to prepare you for a good godly husband as well!
Anyways, sorry the email is so long... I can be so long winded sometimes!
Love, Your sister,